I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
