It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
