Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
