You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
