so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
