Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
