4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize