just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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