So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
