I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
