think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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