Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
