why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Is it because I queefed?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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