Just fell off a train. Bad.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize