My first STD was from a foam party
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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