did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
