It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
