ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
