We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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