Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He passed out mid-signature
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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