My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
