Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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