One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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