if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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