Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize