and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
