So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
