I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
