dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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