I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
now i know why i became what i already was.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
