could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
