I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
ttyl tear gas
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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