i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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