I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
