Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
