dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he was CRYING into my vagina
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize