First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
