I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
