I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
