Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
