She tied me up with her honor cords...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
