They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
