i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
