I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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