I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Be still, my beating vagina.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
