Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
