fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
