I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
being pregnant is like rehab
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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