I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
