I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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