she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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