Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
