My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
