I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
