I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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