dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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