My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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