i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
