Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just made my gag reflex go away.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
