This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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