u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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