I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize